The Future of the Great Southern Gnomeland
My name is Shockadelic. Yes, it is.
I am a Gnome, born in the Great Southern Gnomeland, where we speak Gnomish, which by some strange coincidence, looks and sounds just like modern English.
Many Gnomes are concerned about the future of the Great Southern Gnomeland, and the greater Gnomeworld, of which it is a small but delightful part, and I wish to discuss this with you today.
The Great Southern Gnomeland, which for brevity's sake I may simply call Gnomeland, was once the Land of the Giants.
The Giants lived here for 40,000 years before the arrival of the Gnomes.
They still constitute around 2% of the population.
Many died in the early years of Gnome settlement, primarily due to diseases they had no immunity to.
There was little bloodshed, unlike the Gnome invasions of Fairyland, Elfland and Trollworld.
Giants may look fierce, but are usually gentle Creatures, unless provoked.
Gnomes are often castigated over their past invasions of Other Worlds, but spent much of history fighting other Gnomes.
The last great Gnome conflict, Gnomeworld War II, caused by particularly obnoxious Gnomes in sexy uniforms, was so bad, Gnomes decided they would never fight again, and a period of peace and prosperity began.
Around the same time, some Gnomes, who didn't seem to like being Gnomes at all, were possessed by Evil Spirits, who cast a spell, making them speak pleasant but shallow words, proffering a merger of all the Creature Worlds, to be more “efficient” and “humanitarian”.
The Evil Spirits claim to “love” all Creatures, but they're actually corrosive and believe in Nothing.
They used the guilt over past Gnome invasions to open the gates of the Gnomeworld to all other Creatures.
The other Creature Worlds remained much the same, despite past periods of Gnome political control.
Fairies lived with Fairies, Elves lived with Elves, and Trolls lived with Trolls.
A few Gnomes remained from the colonial legacy.
Fairies, Elves and Trolls had never lived together before, nor had most even met a Gnome.
Yet the pleasant-words spell made everyone ignore this.
So Fairies, Elves and Trolls started getting Rainbow rides across to the Gnomeworld, including our Gnomeland, first in small numbers, but then millions.
Gnomes who questioned this were told to throw themselves off a cliff, and were compared to the obnoxious Gnomes with the sexy uniforms, who had caused so much trouble before.
One Southern Gnome with red hair spoke up and got thrown in prison on false charges.
But the time has come to stop listening to the Evil Spirit-possessed Gnomes and protect the future of Gnomeland (and the greater Gnomeworld).
We must stop allowing any more permanent Rainbow rides from the Other Worlds (except for post-colonial Gnomes stranded there).
Many Fairies, Elves and Trolls would like to return to their Worlds, but are unemployed or work as cleaners, waiters and call centre operators, so don't have enough gold to buy a Rainbow ride.
We should stop funding OtherWorld Aid and use that gold to help these homesick but poor Creatures return home (and help poor stranded post-colonial Gnomes come here).
Some Fairies, Elves and Trolls will still live amongst us, and need not fear.
They can still eat Fairy food, wear Elf clothes and worship Troll gods.
Gnomes value personal freedom highly, and will respect your privacy, as long as you do no harm.
As the stress of the recent UniWorld Experiment fades from memory. a new equilibrium will emerge in Gnomeland, and everyone, Gnome, Giant, Fairy, Elf and Troll, will be happier and healthier.
Can you join me in this quest?
Let's work and play together, laugh and cry together, but most importantly of all, sing and dance together.
We will survive.
© 2017 Shockadelic
May be reproduced in full with attribution.